


Bleeding out

by Kastie_Novak_Winchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: #darksideofthemoon, Angst, Concerned hunters (sam and dean), Depression, F/M, Foul Language, Implied/mentioned marriage, Self Loathing, Self harm(implied/mentioned), Suicide (plan), self hate, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 21:08:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11837103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kastie_Novak_Winchester/pseuds/Kastie_Novak_Winchester
Summary: Readers point of view on a hunt that slowly starts to break her down. Her thoughts and plans as time passes and how she plans to make it all stop. The only thing she dosnt know, will she do it, or will her plan fail her and make her think twice?





	Bleeding out

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: listen my precious angels. please don't end your life, I know it hurts and you want it to stop but i promise it isn't the way to go. I say this because of experience, I'm not going to give you hypocritical advise, I am not like that. So please, If you ever feel like dying or feel alone, dm me, ask for my number or...something but please, there always better option. Death is a permanent effect to a temporary cause.

_I'm bleeding out,_  
_Said,"if the last thing that I do,_  
_Is to bring you down_  
_I'll bleed out for you."_  
_So I bear my skin_  
_And I count my sins_  
_And I close my eyes_  
_And I take it in!_  
_And I'm bleeding out,_  
_I'm bleeding out for you (for you)_

 

The disastrous hunt had finally come to end, your hands, caked in a bloody sin they called a Chimera, but it was odd, going after women, virgins to be exact.  You went alone on the hunt this time, hijacking baby, changing her plates and high tailing it out of dodge before Dean noticed your absence and Sam noticed breakfast wasn't ready.  You had arrived to up state Texas before noon the next day and immediately began to work, taking in witnesses and looking over the remains. trying to piece it all together. 

 

When you found its lair, master and meal, you were to late. The girls were dead, blood every where and that's when you snapped. Seeing red, you slaughtered its master, a man well into his thirties and the beast itself, severing its head, stabbing its body until it was unrecognizable even unto you. Now, here you were, The song "bleeding out" by imagine Dragons ran through your head. The weight of the world was hard to carry and here you were, carrying it all alone... you had that habit, always trying to make it on your own, only to run to dean later. Not this time, this time you were doing it alone, its all you wanted, aloneness and peace of mind and a weight off your aching shoulders.

 

_When the day has come_  
_But I've lost my way around_  
_And the seasons stop and hide beneath the ground_  
_When the sky turns gray_  
_And everything is screaming_  
_I will reach inside_  
_Just to find my heart is beating_

 

Of course he yelled at you when you returned, he couldn't find you, he was sacred. you stole his car, left your phone a credit cards behind, changed baby's plates... "How could you?" Dean had yelled over and over again as you duked and ran to your room, only mumbling, "sorry" and " I'll pay for the gas next time." because, just as Dean did, he brought up gas. Sam got in on you too, but all he said was, " you could've at least left a note." you shook your head, closing the door to your room, Dean stopped just outside, not sure rather or not it would be wise to barge in or not. He figured you would come back to him when you were ready, he turned on a heel and left.

 

_You tell me to hold on_  
_Oh you tell me to hold on_  
_But innocence is gone_  
_And what was right is wrong_

 

You pushed on, weeks after the hunt, the weight on your shoulders taking a tole on your life. You went rouge, stopped eating, lived off of alcohol and coffee. you didn't run to Dean or Sam...they worried, but they knew that at every point in a hunters life they have a moment of breaking before they come back to their normal lives of hunting again. Sadly, you had no intentions of returning, you felt so broken and crushed internally that it was suffocating you. As if you were drowning in an  ocean, but instead of water, its the faces of the dead and lost, the broken and hurt, those who were victims and their family. 

 

_'Cause I'm bleeding out_  
_Said if the last thing that I do_  
_Is to bring you down_  
_I'll bleed out for you_  
_So I bear my skin_  
_And I count my sins_  
_And I close my eyes_  
_And I take it in_  
_And I'm bleeding out_  
_I'm bleeding out for you (for you)_

 

The hours of what you thought would be your demise were upon you, but you just couldn't do it, you tried to put your life in the way of a monster, hoping it would kill you but alas, someone was always there, be it other hunters, the boys, Castiel or just your gut instinct telling you to go on...you were always walking away from it all with only scratches. The weight was now unbearably heavy and your heart hurt, your lungs where slowly flattening and it felt as death was always watching you, just waiting for you to drop, well, he wouldn't have to wait to long.

 

_When the hour is nigh_  
_And hopelessness is sinking in_  
_And the wolves all cry_  
_To feel they're not worth hollering_  
_When your eyes are red_  
_And emptiness is all you know_  
_With the darkness fed_  
_I will be your scarecrow_

 

Tonight was different, the Levee had broken and you had lost any hope you ever had at fighting off the depression and carrying on. it was over, and you were done. You laid a note on your pillow, leaving your last 'i love you's" to the boys and tears stains on the pillow. The bath water had been running for a bit and was at an okay temperature, when you climbed in, it soddened your jeans and made them heavy, pulling you down and holding you in its warmth that would soon be ice cold when they boys got home.  Your favorite shirt, actually one of Dean's shirts, clung to your skin, almost as if it where him there trying to stop you, but now it was too late.

 

_You tell me to hold on_  
_Oh you tell me to hold on_  
_But innocence is gone_  
_And what was right is wrong_

 

He was there for you, even when you wanted space, but now, it just didn't matter. You pushed him away and he let his hunter take over and he let you be, Sam did the same.. you though you were preparing them for your death, doing them a solid. They always told you to be brave and fight your inner demons, but they were right when they said sometimes they win...because right now, they owned the throne and you were merely bowing in their presence.

 

_'Cause I'm bleeding out_  
_Said if the last thing that I do_  
_Is to bring you down_  
_I'll bleed out for you_  
_So I bear my skin_  
_And I count my sins_  
_And I close my eyes_  
_And I take it in_  
_And I'm bleeding out_  
_I'm bleeding out for you (for you)_

 

The blade was cold as you slid it over your skin, covering your arms in deep gashes that instantly poured out blood by the gallons. You had gashes up to you elbow on both arms, along your neck and had managed to carve the word, "forgive" into your chest before you had began to grow dizzy. you relaxed into the tub, feeling the waters changing temperature change and your final breath leave your body. You welcomed death, he was very kind and gentleman like, much nicer than Dean had described. He offered  you his arm but you hesitated, you wanted to stay and see the boys one last time, he obliged, letting you stay. 

 

_I'm bleeding out for you (for you)_  
_I'm bleeding out for you (for you)_  
_I'm bleeding out for you (for you)_  
_I'm bleeding out for you_

 

A rough two days later the boys had barged in the bunker door, looking for you, arms full of little gifts they had gotten for you from the states they had passed through, hoping they would cheer you up. They Searched high and low before going into your room, when the door open you smiled at the shimmer in Dean's eyes as his excitement grew as he placed your gifts along your bed gently and then catching your note. his brows furrowed as he read the opening word, "goodbye."  His eyes widened in horror as he glanced to your bathroom, the door cracked and light on. He knocked, no answer and so he opened it, slowly, hesitantly. You maneuvered yourself into the bathroom and saw his face, color lost to him and his once beautiful  green eyes clouded with a storm and tears. He shouted your name, your whole name. pulling your body out of the water and checking for a pulse, pressing at your wounds, cursing and screaming begging you to come back, to wake up...anything but die. 

 

What had you done, your death was killing him, the sight was unbearable to you even in death, how could you? You were selfish and just wanted it to stop hurting...when all you had to do was talk to Dean. You had turned to leave but a sweet, soft mumble of your name made you turn around. He began to talk sweetly to you as he removed the hair from your face and placed a hand on where your heart was. He spoke softly but it wasn't speaking, it was singing..."hey jude" his go to for everything... when he slipped a small velvet box from his pocket, a golden band in the center of it. It wasn't fancy, but it was gorgeous. He slipped it onto your finger and pulled you to him. You had internally killed the one man you loved and physically took yourself from him because it hurt so much.

 

' _Cause I'm bleeding out_  
_Said if the last thing that I do_  
_Is to bring you down_  
_I'll bleed out for you_  
_So I bear my skin_  
_And I count my sins_  
_And I close my eyes_  
_And I take it in_  
_And I'm bleeding out_  
_I'm bleeding out for you (for you)_

 

"Stop." You spoke to yourself as you stared at the note on the pillow and listened to the running bath water. You saw it, imagined it, and while maybe no, Dean wouldn't propose to you, you wanted him too. No, you couldn't bring yourself to end it all. It wasn't right when you had so much to live for. You still hadn't told Dean, but you would be parents in the near future, you still had monsters to kill and people to save and the boys to save and Castiel to help out... you had duties and even though they seemed like to much, you still had so much left to do before you could cut ties.  Turning the water off and ripping up your note, you left the bunker and headed out for a walk to clear you mind of the pain that was swimming in your head and chest. maybe pray a bit to Cas for guidance. 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this one was hard... i was, myself, having a manic episode and writing this chapter really helped me out. I know its dark and gruesome but, im not always this dark on a personal level.
> 
> Song: imagine dragons- bleeding out


End file.
